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 Post subject: Why your team sucks 2018
PostPosted: Mon Aug 13, 2018 12:59 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jul 08, 2014 8:57 pm
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The Bengals

Still so funny, year after year

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I can’t believe the NFL is going to let this team play the Steelers again this season. Haven’t we ALL seen enough? For the love of all this is holy, get that matchup off my fucking television. Whenever these teams meet, no one scores and everyone ends up paralyzed. This series is poison.

As for their on-the-field performance, the Bengals lost six of their first nine and then basically went to sleep. The biggest upset they pulled is when one of their players got into a brawl with Jalen Ramsey and it somehow wasn’t Vontaze Burfict. I watched them lose to Minnesota in Week 15 and they were so completely checked-out that I said to myself, “That’s it. There’s no WAY Marvin survives this. They can’t possibly justify keeping him around after a showing like that.” My friends, you should never EVER underestimate Mike Brown’s desire to save a dollar, because…

Your coach: Yep, it’s still Marvin Lewis. He had one foot out the door before the Bengals snatched defeat from the jaws of defeat and were like, “You know what? Fifteen years isn’t a big enough sample size. Let’s bring Marv back and see if he can finally BREAK THROUGH.” Amazing. Marvin’s signature career accomplishment is presiding over the greatest victory of the century … for the Buffalo Bills. For his own team, he is a classroom lecture they can never leave.


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I can’t even imagine how dead these fans must feel inside. They must be dazed, as if walking away from a car crash they survived but still put them uncomfortably close to death. A piece of them is gone forever. Rooting for the Bengals is like seeing a window into the netherworld and never being able to avert your gaze from it. God, Marvin Lewis sucks at his job.


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Your quarterback: It’s still Andy Dalton. The Bengals are the NFL’s answer to the question, “Hey, what if a team had Pittsburgh’s continuity, only it was never any good?”


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Zach:

They’re like the dad who promises you an awesome Christmas present and then just re-wraps some of your old toys and gives them back to you on December 25th.

Eric:

We will see the pee tape before we see whatever dirt Marvin Lewis has on Mike Brown.

Brian:

In roughly one billion years, the sun will evaporate the Earth’s oceans, rendering our planet uninhabitable and ostensibly meaning the end of life on Earth. The following day, Marvin Lewis will sign another two-year extension with the Bengals. They will still not have won a playoff game.

_________________
To doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally convenient solutions; both dispense with the necessity of reflection.
- Henri Poincaré


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 Post subject: Re: Why your team sucks 2018
PostPosted: Mon Aug 13, 2018 2:16 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jul 08, 2014 9:14 pm
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Location: Upstate NY
:lol: :lol: :lol:


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 Post subject: Re: Why your team sucks 2018
PostPosted: Thu Aug 16, 2018 12:15 pm 
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Ravens:
https://deadspin.com/why-your-team-suck ... 1828383756

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All the Ravens had to do to make the playoffs was beat Andy Dalton and Marvin Lewis, and they couldn’t do it. Out-fucking-standing. Imagine making the Bengals AND the Bills look good all in the course of a single afternoon. It’s almost like this team never left Cleveland at all.


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Your coach: John Harbaugh, who likes every new rule change in the NFL right up until one of them doesn’t work out in his favor. This man is a perfect 40-40 over the past five seasons. How many more chances will Harbs get before his bosses realize this team is endemically mediocre? Harbs spends every season taping up broken ankles, bitching at the refs, and spinning a wheel to pick out new coordinators. We’re getting into Billick Fatigue territory here.


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Your quarterback: It’s Joe Flacco, who has regressed every year since the Super Bowl. He is so firmly un-elite that you don’t even have to ask anymore. He is Andy Dalton with a ring. But I can guarantee you that he will keep his stranglehold on this job even with stud rookie Lamar Jackson waiting on deck. Flacco will still be out there in November, losing games and taking sacks and struggling for basic yardage. And you’re gonna be like WHERE THE FUCK IS LAMAR? And then Harbs will get progressively testier during each postgame presser, finally blowing up at some poor beat writer and flatly stating that Flacco is HIS guy, all before ownership forces him to start Jackson two weeks later. I can see it as clearly as I can see my own children’s faces.


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What’s new that sucks: This is Ozzie Newsome’s last year in Baltimore, so he went Full Ozzie and imported not his usual one, but a wacky THREE has-been wideouts (Michael Crabtree, John Brown, Willie Snead) to see if any of them could get a pulse out of Flacco. They won’t, but I look forward to Michael Crabtree losing at least two sidelines brawls during the season and then being presented with a Certificate Of True Ravenness in the locker room afterward. Newsome also drafted the son of the guy whose career ended because he got blinded by a ref’s flag, and I can’t tell if he was trolling Cleveland or Baltimore in doing so. Even if these Ravens go 12-4, they remain the official team of any Phil Simms broadcast booth pairing. “I’ll tell you what about these Balteemore Raveeeenze: they are TUFF!”

_________________
To doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally convenient solutions; both dispense with the necessity of reflection.
- Henri Poincaré


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